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There are several psychological and behavioral "keys" that will help to open a man up, and just as
importantly, make him feel that electric kind of ATTRACTION for you.
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Dear Christian, I'm sorry but I need to ask you a
question. I need advice and help. Me and my
ex have been together off and on many times,
recently we just broke up and now he's dating
someone else. (he doesn't know what he wants)
But I know he still has very big feelings for me
and I want advice and help on getting him back.
Even though he's dating someone right now, he
still has feelings for me, and I need help on
getting him back with me and not with her.
Please help!
Sincerely,
Needy and Hopeless
My Answer:
Thanks for writing, your email has about 147
great things here.
Let's look at a few of them....
The first important issue is that you're
ignoring all the important signs your ex is
giving you.
Please don't be naive...
Wake up!
Realize what's going on here.
If he's dating someone else, you've got to
start moving on.
He doesn't share your feelings of wanting to
back together.
If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize
that he's not in the right place in his life to
share what you want with him.
This doesn't mean you should to go out and
try to date right now, but you need to take your
mind off him.
http://www.elitematelove.com
This is hard for a woman when you still have
feelings for him.... but you're setting yourself
up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment.
Yeah, I've seen couples get back together
like this... but the odds are things don't look
good for this old relationship.
http://www.elitematelove.com
The more you can distance yourself from your ex
whose dating another woman, the happier you'll be.
Trust me.
And I know doing this is tough, but you've got to.
You're also making a lot of assumptions about
his feelings when you say "he has very big feelings
for me" when you know he's dating someone else.
http://www.elitematelove.com
Thinking about this only keeps you stuck on
him and his feelings.
If you listen to the signals your ex is sending
you, you'll see that his "feelings" are just his way
of holding onto you for his own comfort.
He's already dating another woman.
That should give you a clear idea of where his
mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and
what his "feelings" TRULY are.
http://www.elitematelove.com
Here's what I want you to do first and foremost....
Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF.
Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to
make all the decisions.
Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember
all the things your ex has done and said to let you
know he's not committed to sharing his love with you.
http://www.elitematelove.com
If you give him and yourself some space, a funny
thing might happen you won't expect....
Your ex-boyfriend won't have the comfort of two
women who both want his affection.
He won't know that you're still there waiting for
him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him
that will ultimately help resolve your situation.
Until then....
For your own well-being, it's important you
let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate
feelings with you while he's dating another woman.
HERE'S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMEBER:
****
Never allow men who have "someone else" in their
life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings
for you.
****
http://www.elitematelove.com
It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all.
When a man can have the affection of two women,
and he's in a place where he's emotionally
non-committed to either, odds are he will try to
keep this situation going for as long as possible!
Not all men would do this, but men who are
"unavailable", as it sounds your ex is, can continue
multiple initimate situations at once.
http://www.elitematelove.com
You don't want to date a man that's in this place
in his life..... and I know because I've been this guy
in my past!
NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with
him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.
You can't change a man's emotional depth and where
he's at in his life.
"Getting him back" is a bad idea.
Rarely does this give you what you think you want.
It's a losing battle, and you're going to end up
being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep
moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally
want and closer and closer to whatever strange and
unhealthy situation he's creating.
If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then
be careful. You're going against the odds.
Don't be "that girl".
http://www.elitematelove.com
And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if
you think you can "convince" him to come back to you
through shows of affection, appeals to his desires
or other "gifts" to bribe him.
I've watched this EXACT thing unfold so many times.
IT DOESN'T WORK!
Instead, you should think about the times you've
broken up and the times you've seen that he wasn't
personally ready for a relationship.
Those things are as real as the strong feelings
and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back.
http://www.elitematelove.com
Use the issues and challenges you had together
as a guide or a reminder of what's keeping you two
apart now.
And once you start doing this, I think you're
going to be strangely surprised at what starts to
happen for you...
Once your guy notices that he doesn't have you
waiting around for him like a puppy dog to figure
it out, while he's off doing god knows what with
other women, there's going to be a big change in
his attitude and behavior.
It doesn't make "sense", but that's how it WORKS.
****
THE CRITICAL SKILLS OF UNDERSTANDING MEN'S SIGNALS AND
IDENTIFYING GOOD MEN FROM "UNAVAILABLE TOADS"....
****
You've got to learn to understand and identify
"EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE" men.
If a man doesn't know what he wants, he generally
doesn't want what he's got.
This may sound harsh, but it's the truth of the
situation. And even when it isn't completely true, it's
a good rule to go by.
A good man who is the right person and wants to be
with you will find his own way to his "Emotional Truth".
http://www.elitematelove.com
If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not
be with you, you have to respect that.
But I see women do it all the time.
The guy will be sending all kinds of subtle
(or even direct) signs that he's not "available" or
interested in something "serious", but the woman ignores
them and just pays attention to the fact that he likes
being with her when they're together.
In other words, she substitutes the physical connection,
or even the occasional emotional connection, for the
real relationship she wants to be in.
WRONG!
http://www.elitematelove.com
Men have a different "love equation" from women:
A strong connection does NOT necessarily equal any
interest in a relationship.
That's why it's CRITICAL that women learn to read
the signals that a man sends about where he's at.
Because he's surely not going to just lay it all out
there for you.
I promise.
If he does, write me an email, tell me all about it,
and give me his mailing address so I can send him his
prize.
When a guy isn't interested in a relationship,
and he's hiding something like seeing other women, here's
what most women start doing that makes things go from
bad to worse...
They start trying to "fix" things, and "fix" the guy.
And then comes the "convincing" behavior, trying to
convince the man that they are the right one for him,
and that because they have such a great connection, a
loving "relationship" is the only right way to go.
I know, it sounds bizarre.
http://www.elitematelove.com
Why would a man have a great woman and a great
connection with her that felt amazing when they were
together, and not want a relationship?
I'll get to that later...
The thing I'm worried about here for you is that
in trying to get your guy back, you're making these
mistakes that are like "man-repellent".
So I'll say it again.
You can't convince a man to want to be with you.
I don't know the specifics surrounding your
off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes.
Especially when it's combined with him not "knowing
what he wants".
This is CLASSIC man-speak for "I'm not emotionally
available and I'm not ready for a real relationship".
When he can't get in touch with his feelings and
isn't open to exploring them, it's a text-book case of
unavailability.
http://www.elitematelove.com
I don't mean that he can't share feelings or some
level of intimacy with you....
In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with
you when things are easy-going and he's not feeling
"pressure" around you.
But your ex sharing his feelings with you can
easily confuse you into thinking that he is potentially
the right guy and ready for a long term relationship.
I'm sure you've seen this since you've been back
and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable,
he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship
that he knows he's not ready for.
http://www.elitematelove.com
In his own way he's tried to tell you this several
times.
Here's what he's saying:
Yes, I have "feelings" for you.
And no... that doesn't mean I want to be in a
relationship with you and be faithful.
Take some time to think about the past with your
ex, and then compare that to what will honestly
make YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you
want in your future.
http://www.elitematelove.com
If you're honest about it with yourself, I don't
think he'll fit well into that based on his actions
and behavior.
Put more value on his actions, not his words.
Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places
you like to go and avoid places or things you used to
do or see with your ex.
Spend some time with your friends and give yourself
the space you deserve.
The less you talk about your ex and this situation for
now, the better off you'll be.
And I think you'll be amazed at the results.
First, I think you'll just plain old feel better.
But even better than that, you'll be breaking the
old connection that you had with your "x".
http://www.elitematelove.com
And as counterintuitive as it sounds, breaking
out of your old connection is actually the thing
that's going to change the situation for you the most
and help get you the results you want.
Right now, your convincing him and your wanting him
back, even when he's with another woman, is making you
come off in all kinds of ways that men just don't respond
well to.
I know it seems like the best idea to keep trying
to stay in touch with him and keep the connection
alive.
But the truth is that you're just keeping this same
old situation alive by pumping your time and attention
into it.
http://www.elitematelove.com
If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or
trying to convince him you're the right woman, you'll
have an opportunity to do something that can honestly
be ATTRACTIVE to him-
You first leave a space that he'll not recognize
and not understand, which will first get him thinking
about you and then wondering why you aren't acting the
way you used to.
Men love "new" things and curiousities.
Plus, you'll also be able to give him the space
he's tried asking you for in his retarded emotionally unavailable "man-speak".
Something funny happens when a man gets the space
he asked for-
If you do it in the right way, he's forced to deal
with himself and his own feelings to figure out that
all the things he is worried about, afraid of, fearful
of "committing to", etc.
And being by himself, he'll see that these things
are really just in his own mind - and not bad things
about YOU.
In other words - he won't keep taking all the old
"stuff" from the past that wasn't working and keep
identifying it with YOU.
But you've to go know the way to "re-wire" the
connection once you've broken the old one.
And if you can do this, I guarantee he'll come
calling wondering about you.
http://www.elitematelove.com
In my ebook, "Catch Him And Keep Him", I detail
specific ways to communicate with men that will help
you build that new connection.
There are several psychological and behavioral
"keys" that will help to open a man up, and just as
importantly, make him feel that electric kind of
ATTRACTION for you.
I'm talking about the kind of attraction that
gets a guy feeling, at a deep level, that he wants to
be with you right now AND far into the future.
This goes for the "unavailable" guys too that seem
to keep withdrawing and don't communicate much about
their feelings or what they want.
These guys are the toughest ones.
If there's just ONE PIECE OF ADVICE that holds more
power for women than any other when it comes to men, it's
this concept of only dating emotionally available men.
In my ebook, I also talk about how to identify good
men from the "unavailable" ones.
If you're dating, wouldn't it be great to know what
kind of guy you're dealing with FROM THE START?
And if think you're already got an unavailable guy
on your hands, and you're wondering what you can do after
all the frustrating disappointments that have gone on...
There's AN ENTIRE SECTION of the book dedicated to
helping you both understand the emotional world of a
man (yikes, right!) and how to lead him to a better way
of being with and understanding you.
So make the choice to do something about your love-
life and create the situation you want in your life.
Go check out my ebook now.
You can download it and be reading it in just a
couple of minutes.
Check it out here:
http://www.elitematelove.com
And best of luck in life and love!
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
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