Have you found the right one?
Hi Ladies
Thanks for all your great emails, but today I really need to talk all about finding the one. So many of you are in a relationship with a guy that you think may be the one. Let me talk for a moment about the one. We are all searching for the soul mate love of our life. All of us have many different values and conditions that are part of our search for the one. But the one thing that we all need in a relationship is a need to have an open line of communication with our best friend.
Aren’t we all looking for someone that we can trust with all our secrets, all of our deepest feelings and emotions?
Then why everyday do I get emails from great woman who are in these relationships for years not knowing where they stand.
**Question**
Hello David. I have read a number of your columns and I often agree with your perspectives and ponder your advice so I thought I would go out on a crazy limb and ask your advice in a situation that I find myself in. Any thoughts you can offer in strict confidence would be greatly appreciated! (PS> His sister reads Cosmo too)
Here goes…I am absolutely convinced that I have found "the one" I could spend my life with and I often get confirmation that he feels the same is true about me so much so that even 2 years into dating he still calls me the woman of his dreams to his friends, which of course is wonderfully flattering to hear. I am a successful career woman with a house of my own and a good social circle that seems to be composed of either single career folks or "the married's with children", so I find myself sort of in the middle of that social continuum and the question of when we will get engaged remains an ongoing mystery topic of conversation. I grew up traditional and look forward to taking the old fashioned step of entering into marriage with the [proverbial] love of my life. I am in my 30's and was engaged once prior. I ended it because in my heart, I knew it would not stand the test of time. To me marriage is not a joke, but rather a very serious public commitment. My Mister Wonderful is 5 years my senior and has had several committed relationships prior to me, but none resulting in marriage or children. He himself grew up in a divorced household. I grew up with both of my parents, happily married 35 years this November.
Recently he shared with me that I was the first person that he has ever dated that was of "Marriage Material". What exactly does that mean in male terms? At the time, I took that to be a compliment, now I am not exactly sure what to think as his three closest guy pals are divorcees and continually banter amongst themselves about the perils of marriage and make jokes about marriage as an institution for idiots. Generally, I genuinely like his friends but I find all this tainted talk makes them idiots on the subject of marriage and love. Herein lives my dilemma. I have made it abundantly clear that I intend to enter into marriage in my lifetime and share my wonderful life with my love, and while he does not hide from serious talks on the subject of marriage, he also does not offer up any hope that our relationship will progress to that level either as he seems quite comfortable with how wonderful things are and hence, the why change syndrome. I don't believe in ultimatums, as they often cause irreparable strains to a relationship, but I also don't intend to wait forever either. I am in good standing with his family and they tell me that I am already viewed as part of the family which is truly wonderful since they are nearby and we see them often. My family, while not local, adores him too but my father has been touting the "shit or get off the pot" theory with me as of late. Almost picture perfect but what's really missing David? Being that love is often blind, I may not be seeing something clearly and my family and friends can not be the most objective on this topic.
Hi Missy
May I suggest the obvious? If this man is so wonderful why can’t you have this exact conversation with him?? You sound wonderful.
As for marriage material…what was your response to that?? He was testing the waters. he is definitely thinking about this but the decision is very hard for him. When a man states that you are marriage material he is looking for a conformation that you feel the exact same.
I am sure you have told him that you love him and all the mushy stuff, but men are wired very funny. When thinking about taking the plunge, it does not matter how much you professed your love on the past they need to know at that moment that you love and adore him the same.
This guy also has the peer pressure of his friends not stamping the seal of approval on marriage so I am sure when he goes out and male bonds he is hearing about how bad marriage can be. He is torn and I am sure he wants to marry you…but just needs a little more encouragement.
I think you need to tell him how you feel….its ok, this is your life and you sound like you really don’t need nor want to play any games. He will not run, nothing that you wrote me can harm the relationship.
Keep me posted and you sound like a wonderful fantastic woman and he should feel very lucky to have met you!!!
David
As you can see, we all need to have the talk and define who we are and what we want out of a relationship.
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